don't rock the boat.

Pictures from the blog before, i don't know how to put the pictures in AFTER the writing.....yes, im dumb, i know....

2010-04-14T13:56:00.005-04:00

From Mel's Jersey Shore themed birthday party

Mel and I's sweet little house :)

The 1st picture is when he got into some food coloring when I went downstairs to check the mail (I wasn't even gone 5 minutes!!!!) and 2nd is about what he is now....almost 30 lbs!

i feel like every time i post my life is completely different.....

2010-04-14T13:00:00.006-04:00

So, i just recently got out of a relationship (what's new?) and I'm doing the single thing....Mel tells me it has been entirely TOO LONG (which it has, it's been since Summer 07....eek) so here goes. I know I'm kinda boring but sometimes it's nice to just blog about nothing or ramble for a little while. I now work 2 jobs again (7 days a week, grrr) but I'm paying bills so I'm pretty happy about that. I guess I could give a run-down of what has changed since November!

1. Oliver is now 7 months and looks less and less like a puppy every day! :(

2. I am working 4 days a week @ a Pet Hospital in Pineville (loooove it) and 3 days a week @ a golf course (don't hate but def don't love it...).

3. I live with Mel again in a cute little house on the outskirts of downtown.

4. I'm on a new kick of re-inventing myself. Or I guess you could say, starting over. I don't like the person I became since graduating HS so I'm doing my best to become the person God wants me to be. I want to be pleasing to be around, loving to everyone, and patience.

5. I'm back in school with 3 classes down (and 4393493439 million to go) with straight A's so far. I'm obtaining my Associate's Degree with the University of Phoenix which will lead my straight into my Bachelor's Degree in Psychology. Pretty excited about this and really ready for it to be over with. The work isn't too bad and since it's all online, it's very convienent! However, it was so hard getting back into after being gone for almost 4 years...what took me so long??? Super ready to have my degree and get a normal job. As much as I thought I wouldn't want the 8-5 position, I'm dying for it now....working weekends is killing me because I'm missing out on things in my family's lives as well as my friend's. I have recently applied to a few hopefuls, so keep your fingers crossed and your prayers many!

I guess that's about all.......if anyone sees this and can tell me how to post pics in between writing, let me know. Everytime I add a picture it puts it before my writing and I can't edit it to write before...HELP!

so there's this boy....

2009-11-09T15:27:00.003-05:00

He's HUGE! almost triple the size when I first got him 5 weeks ago! Not the best picture but I am sure there will be plenty more! :] :] :]

My girls! The 3 best friends a girl could EVER ask for!

Super cute pic in the car....

So many things have been going on but one of the most recent (and most exciting) is this new guy [and no, not Oliver] in my life! It's been a long time coming & I absolutely CANNOT wait to see where this goes! Hoever, Oliver is growing by the minute! I think he gets bigger over night! More to come....but enjoy the pictures for now :]

on the road again.....

2008-01-07T09:47:00.001-05:00

Well, as you all know, I don't stay still for very long so here I am again letting you know of ANOTHER job change....the Insurance gig wasn't working out too well....plus, I gotta pay my bills & save for school! Here I go again back to the Service Industry world....wish me luck! updates to follow......

its too late to apologize....

2007-12-10T16:58:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in awhile & as I was checking some of my favorite people's blogs, I realized that I get upset that when I log on & there's nothing new....and hopefully, some people feel the same about me, so I've decided to be a little bit better with staying updated, and at least posting once a week or every two weeks :)

Not much has been going on, which is always a good thing I say, however, that makes the blogger's life a bit boring....sorry! I am still working on the Nursing thing, it just takes time to get affairs in order, especially when money & time are in low supply (like everything else these days, huh?). Kristen & Elias came to visit us on Mom's birthday and it was such a joy to have them here. Kristen and I don't get much "sister time" because we're both so busy with our respective "jobs" and "responsibilities." It was wonderful to have her watch one of my favorite shows on abc.com (one of my favorite things to do as my "alone time"). We also ate way too many cookies & stayed up way too late....it made me feel a bit younger than I really am, and I really enjoyed it. We took some cute pictures so I'll be sure to post them & from Mom's birthday dinner too!

Justin is great, and just finished his first semester as a grad student (just as Kristen did!). I am SO proud of the two of them & cannot wait to join them in "scholary endeavors" as soon as possible! He will be taking two classes next semester, so I won't be seeing much of him....I'm working on taking a few pre-reqs here and there but my time is limited due to the fact that I can't attend classes till after 5pm.

Christmas is just around the corner and I cannot wait! Sahar, my best friend that lives in Raleigh, just came in for the weekend and we went to a tacky christmas sweater party on saturday night! Pictures will be up soon!

Kristen, Christopher, Elias, and I are headed to TN for the weekend before Christmas and I cannot wait! I haven't seen my Dad since thanksgiving 06 so this is a real treat. I do honestly believe my heart belongs in TN (even though I've never lived there!) and I hope one day to live there. Unfortunately, with this weather, I don't think we will be seeing any snow :(

I hope everyone is well & staying "cool" this Christmas.....it's 75 degrees here in Charlotte today!
Let me know of your plans, I'd love to hear what you're planning for Jesus' Birthday :) :)

cheerful

2007-11-16T11:24:00.000-05:00

I know I've been up & down lately, but I am pretty excited for what this holiday season brings.
This is my most favorite time of the year so it's a little easier to be cheerful about the happenings of life. Plus, I get to see some friends & family that are sometimes far away!

I am enrolling in some pre-requisites for the nursing program at CPCC. I am very excited about this & have a GREAT resource in kristen. This has been something I have done a lot of thinking about & am going to stick to this decision. I have prayed about it & really asked God to show me some guidance on where He sees my life leading. I know it seems like a huge step, but actually won't be admitted to the program until fall 08 and I wont be a nursing student until Spring 09.

Justin and I are a lot better (who doesn't have their ups & downs?) and I am LEARNING how to be, not to be, and what to be so that has put some strain on our relationship. He & I are in a place of growing, and being in your 20's is hard (i know, i know, it gets harder......). We both want to get our lives together before we PUT our lives together. So don't you worry, no wedding bells anytime soon :)

I am SUPER DUPER excited about thanksgiving & christmas. Here are just a few of the reasons why I am so happy about these next couple months

1) time off & not feeling bad about not being at work & making money
2) FAMILY!!!!! (even though i'll be missing the ammons!)
3) eating the most wonderful foods ever created
4) parades & football
5) TIME OFF! :) :)
6) having a second thanksgiving with the boyfriend & his fam
7) did i mention time off without feeling regret of not making money?
8) who doesn't like bringing in a new year?

I can't wait to hear how everyone's thanksgivings went and I will be sure to post photos of all the festivities as soon as I can! Be sure to post ones of your family & friends too :)
I wish all of you the most blessed day this Thanksgiving.
GOBBLE GOBBLE !

is 2007 over yet?

2007-10-30T13:24:00.001-04:00

It's amazing how time passes quickly when you have a lot going on.
I do have a lot going on, and by request of Kristen, I'm going to talk about it.
The reason I haven't is because it isnt easy to talk when your hurting.

J and I are not okay. Whenever my feelings are hurt by someone, I need a little bit more than an "I'm sorry" Lately I've been getting my feelings hurt a lot and have a hard time explaining it without going on and on. I need someone that will be patient with me, understanding of me, and forgiving of me. It's hard to talk about it because I think that J isnt that person. It hurts so much to write because it might be the first time I'm admitting it out loud (or to the whole world for that matter).
We havent spoken since he yelled at me on Sunday night saying that he will never be someone to talk thing over and over (as he put it) nor will he ever be big on telling me wants to see me all the time, or anything of that matter. I didnt know what to say so I just said ok and havent heard from him. Do you know how it feels when someone doesnt really want you around, much less want to talk to you?
I am most certainly under the impression that you make compromises for the people you love and most definitely for the ones you say that you want to spend the rest of your life with. I am also most certain it would never cross my mind to not be willing to endure something that I might not like for J's sake. The hard part is that I am realizing he isnt willing to do that for me. I'm a little confused because I always took saying that you love someone meant you always would, and would be more than happy to show that person you love them every day for the rest of your life. I don't mean flowers, because those die and I don't mean candy, because it gets eaten. But I mean in simple, kind gestures that are a part of everyday life. Maybe we're past that honeymoon period in our relationship (it's almost been 8 months) so I don't get the attention or "doting" on that I used to get, but it seems to me that even the simple dynamics of a relationship should never change from day one.
I've also come to the realization that I am to blame quite a bit too. I act like an ass and do stupid things but never feel forgiven. Maybe I am too sensitive or emotional because I forgive easily and expect from others the same. Maybe the way I am is just not enough for J.
So many people have said to me that you do so much changing in your 20's and until now, I had never believed them. I have already done so much changing and have only realized that I have a long way to go.
That being said, I'm angry. Why can't I get cut some slack because I have some things to figure out? You can't tell someone you love them but not like them. You also are not allowed to put them down by disagreeing with their ideas and words. I might not know everything as the next guy, but I am not unitelligent. I also have feelings and they need to be thought about.
But, maybe all my life everyone's been letting me get away with everything, be the spoiled brat, and now I am finally dealing with the fact that the world isnt going to let me just "get by"
I love J with all my heart and I have no idea how to show him. I only reverse the "good" by my actions. I am my own worst enemy, and always regret my actions/words. It eats me alive when I upset someone or act a certain way that isn't appealing to others. Should I be made to feel bad about myself though? I think I do a pretty damn good job of making myself feel bad about who I am, and I dont need someone else doing it. I need encouragement and support. Supporting someone doesnt always mean that you agree with them, but you it means you understand their decision on whatever the situation is and support that WITH them. To me, a relationship is a team. That team can rise & fall with the best of them, but its those "winning" teams that can come out in the end because they were able to work together. Maybe J and I just can't work together anymore. I don't know. All I know is that I feel like I'm losing half of me and it hurts more because I dont think it was that way for him. Why and how did I fall into the role of the needy one? How did I become a nuisance and a interruption? I'm suppossed to be an addition, an endorsement (insurance language) that makes the other person better. Do I feel that I did that for J? No, I feel as though all I became was a fly that needs to be flicked off.
I am a fighter, not an arguer, and always have been.

How do you explain all of this to someone who doesn't even want to talk to you?

How do you know when it is time to just let go & let live?

better

2007-10-08T16:51:00.000-04:00

hi! i know i sounded quite bummed last blog but things are looking up! i've been praying that God will show me His ways and i will be at peace. it's a day to day learning experience and i am learning to be a better person. i am so grateful for the things i have in my life.
tomorrow i take my NC State Insurance Exam and i am SO scared! i have not studied as much as i should have and am praying for a miracle. thank goodness they're letting me study here at work also.
this has been quite a journey the past few weeks and i am so glad that justin and i have grown together and stronger. pray that we will show patience with each other in this time of learning & changing. he is the love of my life and can't imagine a day without him.
i know i'm pretty boring but i guess i can be grateful that things are alright, and im doin' alright. :)

today

2007-09-23T20:24:00.000-04:00

today i realized that even though we might be determined to test the waters, God always has a way of dipping you in, letting you get your feet wet, and then picking you up and carrying you through the rest of the way. every once in awhile i feel as though he dunks me for a minute, brings me back to reality, then picks me up again. it's so hard to not jump out of His arms and swim on my own.
lately, life has been making lots of turns. my life may stink right now, but it will always get better. it could be worse. that is my new mantra. it could be worse.
do you know what it's like to love someone more than yourself, to realize it, to want to hug that person and never let go because you need them to know how much you love them? sometimes people need us more than we need them. we also might need them more than they need us. people come and go, but those who are meant to be a part of you will always stay. clayton told me friday that he knew the minute we met that our souls were destined to be (i got the line from side order of life but that's what he said in a nutshell). we've been such great friends since the first night we met at semi-formal! he will always be one of my best friends, even if we dont talk everyday and live in different places. i am so glad to have someone like him as a friend, and so lucky that he's put up with me after all these years :) i am so blessed to say that i have a few handful of these friends that i wouldnt trade for anything in the world!
i've grown to be a woman who doesn't want to be self-centered anymore. i want to put others before me. but i have now realized that i must love myself before i am ever capable to love others or let others love me. holding back for awhile might not be such a bad thing. love can be so complicated, but for me, now, its easy. i want it, need it, have it, got it. i just have to be okay to let it be. it cannot be pushed, smushed, nor taken for granted. this weekend has been soul-cleansing thanks to some really great people in my life.
i have learned to realize that its okay to be mad, but its not always okay to be mad at what you're mad at. you carry your own burdens and God is there to lighten the load, and so are the people beside you.
i have also learned its okay to hurt, to cry, to scream...but usually do it when no one is listening or in a padded cell. just kidding, but for me, i am learning to outlet my anger/insecurities in different ways than i have in the past. no way am i perfect, i never will be, but i do embrace my faults, accept them, change what i can, better what i can't. life will never be easy, but its what you make of each situation will mold you for what lies ahead.
i know this might seem....spiritual, philosophical, dreamy, etc but i've had a hard time just being me and this is it. raw, starting new, starting over. sometimes my breath catches when it hurts so much i don't think i can go a second longer or when i long for a hand to hold, but i know that love comes in many ways, in many shapes & sizes and i just have to learn to accept that. i want so much for people to be accepting of me, my faults, my love but i have such a hard time doing that for others.
pray for me at this time in my life, in this ever-changing world. i am not the girl i once was, and after all, why would i want to be?
just remember, it could be worse. it might hurt more tomorrow but time will always heal our pain.

2007-09-21T09:58:00.000-04:00

What are you suppossed to do when everything you thought gets turned around in a instant?
What happens when your heart hurts so much it takes your breath away?

2007-09-10T22:41:00.000-04:00

Insurance class is hard. I feel the pressure of it and its only the 1st day. It's not that the material is hard, its just that it has to be learned in a weeks time. I must get 80% correct in the class exam to even be given permission to take the state exam. I'm even more tired than I was working, even though my days were longer then. My brain is on major overload and nothing could have prepared me for this, except maybe reading ahead on all of this! That will def be something I recommend to newcomers, if I ever meet any. All the people in my office are 20+ years my senior and they haven't hired anyone in a long time. I just need some peace that I can take this one day at a time, and succeed. This will be tough, but I'm trying to stay strong and determined.
Of to bed, its already past my bedtime (1045!!) and the eyes are droopy. Good night all! :]

2007-09-05T13:05:00.000-04:00

kristen & i at the river near the ammon house in durham, nc :]

New job!

2007-09-05T09:58:00.000-04:00

Today is the 2nd day of my new job & things are going well. The only real problem has been a couple late buses and with the heat, my stress level went up a few notches. I have my own office (don't worry, already took pictures and will be adding soon!!) and lots to learn! I start my insurance class next week. It's from 8am-6pm Monday thru Friday. The nice part is that Martin & Harrill will be reimbursing me for the cost of the class & my textbook. It's a lot to learn in a week but I have over 2 weeks till I have to take the state test. Keep your fingers crossed and prayers plenty. I've got to get back to work but I'll be updating soon!